Well, we are now officially in the 21st century, and it feels as much of a letdown as that whole Y2K thing. Even New Year’s Eve, which I vaguely remember, was a letdown. What little of it that I remember was more disappointing than a stripper that only goes as far as her G-string and pasties (damn Erie laws). What did I, the magnanimous Dolomite, see as what would happen come this way come the 21st century? I saw many things, most of them in a dream.

     I was walking down the street when I noticed something pecular, there was an air bar across the street. I had heard of these before in Japan, but I never knew such places would ever make it over to the US. I walk in, figuring that it never hurts to try something once (as long as you are really drunk when you try it). I walk in and I see a little man sitting in a booth, enjoying his thirty minutes of pure air as though he was merely enjoying laughing gas. As I walk to the back of the bar, I spy Britney Spears imitating a chair act that Madonna had performed years ago. It turns out that this was a holographic projection of her newest video. It was a 3D version of the video. I go up to the manager of the bar, and ask a few questions about the projector. You know the type: How much did it cost? Where did you get it? Can you play porn videos on it? For the oddest reason, a large man picked me up and threw me out of the establishment.
     I continued down the street and read a newspaper headline at a local newstand: Bush Made President, Despite Suicide Threat by Gore. I was shocked. I was appalled. People would actually call the self-deactivation of the Gore robot a suicide? However, below that headline was an article about the public banning of Veganism. It turns out, according to the article that when one’s diet lacks ample amounts of protein rich animal products (which includes eggs and dairy products), the mind begins to deteriate and eventually gives rise to paranoia, intense body cramps, and even irrational behavior. These effects, according to the article, are similar to a woman’s reaction to PMS, except to a much larger degree. The study also stated that amongst the females, those that swallowed were much better off than those that spit.
     Near the end of this dream, I grew tired and headed for a beach. As the sun began to set, I saw an object in the distance. It was moving at an incredible speed, at about ten to fifteen feet above the water. At first, I figured it to be one of those aquatic planes, the type that can land in water. Then, as it began to get closer, I noticed that it was too small to be a plane of any sort. It was about the size of one of those huge SUVs. Slowly, it descended onto the beach about twenty feet from where I stood. A couple came out, and began to look like they were going to just go at it right there and then (with me standing like a dumbass only a stonethrow away) until the man began to unzip his pants. The woman stopped him and I heard her ask if he was planning to use a condom. He said not to worry because he had already had his AIDS annoculation. Then she asked about the risk of pregnancy. His exact words, I remember because I woke up shortly afterward were: “Don’t worry bitch, I told you I know when to pull out!”
     So that is about all of my expectations for this century. Too bad none of them have come true yet. Even worse, I found this out as I laid on the ground, hungover, covered in my own vomit, soaked in someone else’s urine, and taking a beer bottle out of my ass. Damn college kids and their ideas of fun!