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the HARANGUE
...I begin to fear or at least feel uneasy when those around me begin to
fall. I am not vindictive, though sometimes I disagree with that statement. I
enjoy seeing others succeed, especially those closest to me. I do not seek
opportunity in their demise or advancement in their failings. when I see them
decline, I feel as if I may be next, or am at least given the sense of
urgency to pick up my own pace a bit...
I think of myself as a logical,
reasonable scientific man. they say this hotel (an old abbey) is haunted, but
I've worked third shift here for 18 months and never had the pleasure of
meeting said ghoul. I occasionally feed the notion that maybe it is around
the corner watching me, assuming it cannot read my mind and manifest itself
before me. I do not beg the idea nor do I demand out loud that it show
itself, heaven forbid it actually should. I'm afraid I'd lose my wits and
forget all rational ideas I'd ever had regressing to the simple mind of a
superstitious fool or even more hideously returning to the life of a
Christian (I say return because I must have been one of some sort in the
past, considering the fact that I am a confirmed Lutheran)...
one of my good
mates failed a drug test for work and is off dope for up to 6 months. he
looks forward to a battery of new tests and all kinds of fun meetings and
interesting straight people, if you can survive the ordeal without giving
into the temptation of not telling the listeners what they want to hear. you
can come out having somewhat enjoyed these supposedly sober, pedigreed,
lunatics and their crazy notions. I still rate them as some of the weirdest
mother fuckers I've ever dealt with and I've dealt with some real freaks over
the years...
I must be fucking too many ugly women, because every time I lay
my eyes on a brown paper bag I get unreasonably horny theses days...taking
walks down winter streets 21 degrees no gloves or hat seems fine but cold
when going into the wind, two hours bopping away to music looking to the
ground eyes peeled for icy slick spots, oblivious to so many cars, speeding
like madmen, a mere foot away from my momentarily functional legs! I'm not
sure I'll ever find someone willing to spend their time with me or me finding
one I'm willing to spend my time with, especially working third shift and
when I finally do, I'm sure I wont be happy. but I try, often too hard. I'm a
slave to socialization and orgasms! I feel stuck in place, not unhappy at
where I find myself but not entirely satisfied with where I am. I refuse to
resign into the fact that like most of my contemporaries I can never be too
happy for very long, even losing the taste for weed I once had, though I
still have to say I love the green stuff. I wonder how much fat I'll lose not
eating crap all day long, stoned and goofy. its probably transitory! I have so
much shit I keep for years and never use and finally when I need it I can
never seem to find it among all the other shit I haven't used for years which
I wont be able to find when I do go to use it. I could never disapear into the
wild forever, dependant upon an inhaler for my asthma I'm a victim for the
treatment. I could easily cry or laugh or go into a rage at will so overloaded
with feelings and emotion I can take myself anywhere in a moments notice but it sure makes for a helluva day!
sometimes I wish I could take a vacation from
everyone including myself, especially myself, trot through life with a flat
smile and do my business the easy way like so many I run into on the street
and in the malls. No hassle. my worse worries would be those things that seem insignificant to me at present. I'd be oblivious and dead before I knew
it. I've spent a lot of time around people who are never really alone, never
left to deal with heir fears and dreams, their worries and mortality a
billion things. I'm forced to deal with whenever the tv is off or I'm sitting
staring into my kitchen wall in silence or maybe to the beat of jazz eating
my dinner alone, things I wouldn't have to deal with if I lived with a
nymphomaniac or a comedian or a hungry lion! how could I ever complain where I am? I see some around me catatonic with envy at my living a simple, very independent, saddle broken life, but even simplicity has its numerous
complications. I've never been happier and would change only a few hundred
things if given the chance. it amazes me how I can be such a conniving,
thieving, unscrupulous prick at times, yet when the old farmer in front of me
drops his grossly obese wallet, I do not hesitate to pick it up and yell into
his deaf ear until he responds and I give it back. you can't please everyone,
but you can sure piss most of them off. a burning sensation within my soul,
within my brain, within my veins and behind my eyes tells me I need to run
naked screaming joy down the street, but is too cold outside and I am forced
to bottle it up within me until an acceptable spring arrives when I can
condemn myself properly. the universe doesn't even laugh in our faces when we
fail miserably or act so foolish, we are nothing to it but for a hiccup in
the moment to be trampled over if for no reason but for us being in the way,
we aren't even the ants on the anthill. this is the creations charm, we have
no fabulous destiny or great future unless we make it ourselves and at the
current rate, this is questionable at best. gravity itself is a mass murderer,
killing more than we can ever know, unscrupulous it cares not your race,
gender or age old woman and babe alike are all the same to it, as they
plummet to the earth from three story windows!
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