Merry fucking Christmas and happy New Year everyone. I apologize if I seem a little irritated in my writing, but it has been a bad week for poor old Dolomite. Thanks to a lack of funds, I was forced to do the majority of my Christmas shopping during the week before Christmas. Never have I seen so many false hypocritical people in my life. But let me start from the beginning.

     Thanks to my new (sort of) car, my car insurance has risen substantially. Also, college is draining more and more of my money everyday. So all this adds up to me having forty dollars to my name come December first. To make matters worst, I have only one work-study check coming to me before the highly anticipated Christmas break, and it is coming the 18th and going to amount to about fifty dollars. So for those math wizards out there, that brings the grand total to ninety dollars. Now, since I like to be the "good son" and actually get my family and relatives some form of gift that includes (but does not entirely consist of) a card, I am going to have to go out and find some freaking bargains. So for the rest of this story, let us keep a little budget amount after every little gain and loss, such as this ($90.00).

     Much like the great holiday porker himself, I sat down and began to make a list to see what the hell I am going to do between now and that morning of Christmas. So on the list went my family (Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Dog), my two grandmothers (never forget those that remember the Old Country), my three aunts, and my seven cousins. Then on December 18th, it was the time to visit Ye Olde Cheap Shoppe, or as it is known in lamen's terms: The Dollar Store. To save gas money, I walked down to the nearest Dollar Store. It was about twenty degrees outside and the nearest store that I could find was about thirty-two blocks away. So, after packing the mighty checkbook and finding my thickest warmest coat, it was off to go Christmas shopping.

     I arrived at the store with my scrotum withdrawn nearly into my intestine and my extremities numb. It was not until someone passed me to go into the store that I realized I had been walking on my knees for the past five blocks. That might help explain why it had taken me nearly and hour to walk the distance. I entered the store and found out something very bad. Though your hands hurt when heat is applied to them after being so cold for so long, it is merely a pinprick compared to your testicles thawing out too quickly. I found this out when I was under the heating vent for too long. I made a soft whimpering sound, quickly grabbed my crotch, and sunk to the floor with tears slowly emerging from my eyes. For some strange reason, many mothers quickly swept their children to farther corners of the store and I was oddly asked to leave by a red-faced manager who was not hearing my reasons for this awkward scene. So just as I had nearly defrosted, it was time to freeze again in the long walk back to the apartment. One the way back, I stopped at a gas station and got a large coffee ($89.25). It wasn't until I got back to the apartment that I realized that my watch had died sometime during the trip to the Dollar Store.

     Day 2 of the week from hell did not help much. I had to move out from the college apartment to home because the college shuts down during this vacation. The entire day was spent packing up my things into the Dolomobile and heading home. While I was cleaning up the room for dirty laundry and other knickknacks, I came upon $2.43 in loose change ($91.68). However, I broke my only windshield scraper and also was very low on gas. I had to stop at a gas station before I left. I put in five dollars worth of gas and found a $.99 ice scraper for my car ($85.63). I also found the cutest little ashtray for my one grandmother. However, the damn gas station charged me $1.99 for it ($83.52). At least there was free laundry at home.

     Day three through five brought on no changes, mostly because I managed to spend my time sleeping, watching porn, and doing my dirty laundry. However, it was not until Christmas Eve that my luck finally changed. I was off doing some shopping at another Dollar Store (no crotch grabbing incident here) when I came upon a deal. Ten Christmas cards (with envelopes) for only $2 ($81.40). I felt so good from this deal (it did take care of all but my immediate family, and I had crossed the dog off the list upon my return home), I decided to give to the Salvation Army woman outside the store. Why a Salvation Army bucket is outside a Dollar Store is beyond me. I was digging through my wallet for a one-dollar bill when a voluptuous woman in a fur came slowly walking by me. She even rubbed against me, as I stared into her chest. Slowly, as though in a trance, I grabbed a single bill, handed it to the bucket girl, and walked off ignoring her thank-yous.

     When I got back to my car, I decided to count my money, just to be sure how much I could spend on my family. I counted that amount twice, then again, and each time I came up with only $41.40. Then, as though this was the Matrix, I had a memory flashback to the events of the past few minutes. I saw myself staring at the woman's chest as she graceful and discretely took a twenty from my wallet. Then, while still staring at her, I lost another twenty when I put it into the bell-girl's charity bucket. Damn my luck! It was now only nine o'clock at night, everything was closed (even the ethnic stores), and I still had a family to get presents for. Damn the luck!!

     It was a slow ride home. This was not because I was thinking, but because every one and their mother were out, literally. I was actually cut off by some punk, and when I honked my little horn in protest, his mother stuck her ass against the window. She then proceeded to moon me, and I was forced to read the tattoo that spread across both of her wrinkled cheeks: How's my ass doing? Call 1-800-FUCK-YOU! Needless to say, I was appalled. I was so appalled, I started to slow down to avoid seeing that grayish mass of cellulite. It was then that I got a car horn honked at me. It was from my right. It turned out to be the Salvation Army bell-girl driving her BMW back from her station. I could nearly hear her screaming at me through the window, even as she proceeded to flip me the bird with an enthusiasm not always given by the average Erie driver.

     Then, as if the evening was not enough, my stereo all but died on me. The CD gave up like a four-year-old learning chess. Every FM station played holiday music, except the pop station. It was playing boy bands. So on to AM I went, hoping for a newsflash telling me that Christmas was officially canceled this year. Instead I got to hear some old bastard telling anyone listening about his ex-wife. He was whining for her to take him back. I couldn't help but smile as I realized that there was someone out there that was worse than myself. Than I heard him say how in the beginning they had little money, so every Christmas, they went out to eat as a treat for themselves. That idea was genius! I decided to take my family out for dinner (somewhere cheap) and pay the bill myself. Now, if only there was an all-you-can-eat restaurant that charged less than 8 dollars a person. Well, at least one that has not told us to leave due to staying after the closing hours. It is their fault for labeling it all-you-can-eat.