1-31-00
John,
I’ve come home from a relaxing and fun vacation with Julie and her family. We had a very enjoyable holiday in New York with plenty of snow, great food, good company and a very happy atmosphere. The restaurant was quite busy, and the amount of parties and work made it very hectic. It was good to get away for a week and escape from the heavy grind that we have had during this holiday season. Julie’s family is always a lot of fun to be with, and it is good for her to travel home once a year to see them.
With that said, I hope you can get a better glimpse of my reality and the day to day that I face in my world. I have a loving wife and dog, a home, a job that is demanding and responsibilities that are a part of my everyday life. This is not to say that Mom & Dad are not a part of that, and that Natalie and her family take second chair to Julie’s family, or that Michael and you are not a part of our family. It is to say that I have a lot of things to balance and sometimes it is not easy.
I don’t have the confinement of four walls and a schedule dictated to me by someone else, nor do I have to share my bathroom with some other guy(s) locked in confinement where when you take a shit every body knows it. I don’t have to sleep in a small bunk that is less comfortable than a floor and six inches shorter than my body. I don’t have to wear the same old coveralls with prisoner stenciled on the back, take community showers and pray I don’t drop the soap, be deloused every month, have to fight for my existence everyday, and make sure I don’t get eaten up by one of the gangs. I don’t have to put up with slop for food every meal, fighting with thirty guys over Jerry Springer or Ricky Lake on the tube, not getting much time out doors, or where the next cigarette is going to come from. I don’t have to keep my hopes up for a positive parole hearing, new evidence to get me released, or lawyers to work on my case. I don’t have to beg for my family members to come visit, send money, or write letters to me so that I can escape the very existence that I made for myself.
I didn’t steal Christmas, nor did I commit the crime that put you where you are. The only violations I may have committed in your case are not writing since July, and not coming to visit you. For those offenses, I am guilty. Before you chastise your family, remember why you are there and don’t forget the hands that tried to help you while you were out only to be slapped away and buried behind a wall of self-pity and drugs.
I hope the coming year is…
more enlightening for you than the past three have been.
Take it easy Bro’
Bob
PS I also am enclosing something I wrote about you for your Birthday.
The Difference
It's my brothers
Thirty-fifth birthday
and I'm sending
him a line.
He doesn't get
to many from me
so I figure
it's about time.
I contemplate
some words of wisdom
on growing
one year older.
How I felt
on my thirty-fifth
Getting wiser
And a bit bolder
Then I think
of where he is
and how my words
may be vindictive
It isn’t my place
to preach my thoughts
or offer advice
contradictive.
He has
more than enough time
to contemplate
the daze.
Sometimes he has
to distract
his thoughts
from the mindless
senseless haze
There isn't
much for him to do
as he sits
in 10x10 cell.
He can dive
into the depths of
his sinning soul
and search his inner well.
I often wonder
where I would be
if our paths
had traded places
My mind and body
would be going insane
being stuck
in confined spaces.
So choosing my words
is a careful task
as I fight back
the angry tears
Knowing I'll have
to do this again
for at least
a few more years.
So keep your head up
watch your back
and you'll survive
like the rest
And God will
forgive you
on your judgement day
for passing his life's test.
Understanding
Is it hard to understand
the depth of true love.
The way
it drives the flesh
it moves the heart
it pushes our being
to a level of desire
and a need to be loved.
The
devotion,
dedication,
admiration
and unification
of two souls
locked forever
in an embrace
that lasts
through all planes,
barriers
and consciousness.
I never knew
that such a love
could fuel
an eternal hate
that could last
a life time.
I sat comforting
My aging grandmother
As she had some help
from the oxygen machine.
We talked
for hours
of days
come and gone.
Of relationships,
and heartaches,
friendships and laughter,
spirituality and love.
On the later of these subjects
grew a concern of the ages
that reflected in the eyes
of my grandmother
with deepest sincerity.
She had seen the love
and belief in God
leave my mothers eyes
the day my father died
some Thirty-seven years ago.
I too had seen it
in the pictures
of my mother,
dressed in black,
following the procession
through the cemetery.
The tears of loss
forever engrained
in her cheeks
captured for an eternity
captured in a flash.
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